Why Does King Alpha Climb Eyeful Tower?

September 11, 2002

Although King Alpha at Cameralot has always been heard from, but never been seen outside of the royal circle, it is widely reported that he climbs the Eyeful Tower daily and nightly without fail. An intrepid reporter from Eyeful Tower took it upon himself to investigate this rumor; and contemplate the reasons behind the supposed climbing.

Here's an excerpt from the transcript of the interviews:

A teenager To get an eyeful.
[ET: Just curious… What's that in your hand? X-ray vision goggle?]
Sam C. Chan It's the nature of things.
Plato For the greater good.
Ernest Hemingway To die. In the rain.
George H. W. Bush To seek a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights from nearby traffic.
Caesar He comes, and now he sees, so that he can conquer.
Darwin Kings, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to corporate ladder climbing.
Albert Einstein Whether he climbs the tower or the tower descends toward him depends upon your frame of reference.
Lee Iacocca If you can't beat them, peep at them.
Captain Kirk To boldly go where no king has gone before.
Karl Marx To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle, and it's a historical inevitability.
Jack Nicholson Cuz he [censored] wanted to! That's the [censored] reason!
Ronald Reagan Well... I do not recall…
Oliver North National security was at stake. I swear.
John F. Kennedy Ask not why the king climbs the tower. Ask why the tower is there for the king to climb.
J. Danforth Quayle To drop a potatoe [for gravity experiment].
[ET: Wrong, Dan! Talk about open mouth, insert foot! That was Issac Newton with an apple. Besides, you should drop that "E" in potato.]
Mark Twain The news of his climbing has been greatly exaggerated.
William Shakespeare I know not thee reasons, to climb or not to climb… that is the question... methinks thus conscience does make climbers of us all…
Andersen Consulting Deregulation of inter-kingdom commerce and the advent of e-commerce was threatening King Alpha's dominant market position. His majesty was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped Cameralot by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Using the Domestic Utilization Model Benchmark (DUMB), Andersen helped the king use his skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align his royal constituents, processes and technology in support of his overall strategy within a Progress Management Strategy (PMS) framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of brick analysts and best kings along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the rock climbing industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of majestic latitude ascending processes.

The meeting was held in a park-like setting within his magnificent court, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the king's mission, vision, and core values at Cameralot. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped King Alpha change to become more successful.

As to our conclusion... Well, that would be over-stepping our bounds as objective professional journalists. We only report it and shall leave the judging to you, our faithful readers.     -ET

NOTE: Obviously, this is a variation on "Why does the the chicken cross the road?" It was written in September 2002, when Arthur Andersen Consulting was still one of the "Big Five" firms. Shortly afterward, it essentially dissolved as a result of prosecution by the DOJ from the Enron scandal. The name is already slowly slipping into our distant memories.

With its legendary incessant elaborate studies and template-based, impressive but not necessarily substantive, and questionably relevant reports, laden with double-speaks and buzzwords de jour; Andersen Consulting was just screaming for my merciless mockery.  So, there you have it: The motive and frame-of-mind of the author at the time of that writing.

Eyeful Tower is created by Sam C. Chan from Bravo Technology Center  *  CONTACT US