Why Does King Alpha Climb
September 11, 2002
Although King Alpha at Cameralot
has always been heard from, but never been seen outside of the royal
circle, it is widely reported that he
climbs the Eyeful Tower daily and nightly without fail. An intrepid
reporter from Eyeful Tower took it upon himself to investigate this rumor;
and contemplate the reasons behind the supposed climbing.
excerpt from the
transcript of the interviews:
||To get an eyeful.
[ET: Just curious… What's that in your hand? X-ray vision goggle?]
||It's the nature of things.
||For the greater good.
||To die. In the rain.
H. W. Bush
||To seek a kinder,
gentler thousand points of headlights from nearby traffic.
||He comes, and now he
sees, so that he can conquer.
||Kings, over great
periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that
they are now genetically predisposed to corporate ladder climbing.
||Whether he climbs the tower or the tower descends
toward him depends upon
your frame of reference.
||If you can't beat
them, peep at them.
||To boldly go where no
king has gone before.
||To escape the
bourgeois middle-class struggle, and it's a historical
||Cuz he [censored]
wanted to! That's the [censored] reason!
||Well... I do not
||National security was
at stake. I swear.
||Ask not why the king
climbs the tower. Ask why the tower is there for the king to climb.
||To drop a potatoe
[for gravity experiment].
[ET: Wrong, Dan! Talk about open mouth, insert foot! That was Issac Newton with an apple. Besides, you
should drop that "E" in potato.]
||The news of his
climbing has been greatly exaggerated.
||I know not thee reasons, to climb or not to climb…
that is the question... methinks thus conscience does
make climbers of us all…
of inter-kingdom commerce and the advent of e-commerce was
threatening King Alpha's dominant market position. His majesty was
faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
Cameralot by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
Using the Domestic Utilization Model Benchmark (DUMB), Andersen
helped the king use his skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital
and experiences to align his royal constituents, processes and
technology in support of his overall strategy within a Progress
Management Strategy (PMS) framework. Andersen Consulting convened a
diverse cross-spectrum of brick analysts and best kings along with
Anderson consultants with deep skills in the rock climbing industry
to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage
their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum
of majestic latitude ascending processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting within his
magnificent court, enabling and creating an impactful environment
which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
king's mission, vision, and core values at Cameralot. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped King Alpha change to become
As to our conclusion... Well, that would be over-stepping our bounds as
objective professional journalists. We only report it and shall leave the
judging to you, our faithful readers. -ET
Obviously, this is a variation on "Why does the the chicken cross the
road?" It was written in September 2002, when Arthur Andersen Consulting
was still one of the "Big Five" firms. Shortly afterward, it essentially dissolved as a result of prosecution by the DOJ from the
Enron scandal. The name is already slowly slipping into our distant
With its legendary incessant elaborate studies and
template-based, impressive but not necessarily substantive, and questionably
relevant reports, laden with double-speaks and buzzwords de jour;
Andersen Consulting was just screaming for my merciless mockery.
So, there you have it: The motive and frame-of-mind of the author at the
time of that writing.